Before We Were Married, I Tried to Get My Wife's Attention

She didn't notice me. I found this unacceptable.

Jun 16, 2025

For Pride, this post is going to be free to all Survive Your Story readers. I’m also opening up this month’s write-in. Thank you for being here. I hope you have love you are also celebrating!

I was at the height of my health and confidence.

So I went home, put on a slutty little dress (sorry, Mom), and headed out to the bar. I was going to get someone’s attention, dammit.

It was Pride 2018. The day before, in true queer fashion, I’d gone to a poetry slam with my recent ex. Marie was reading there at the behest of her friend. It was a PhD project. Marie took stage looking sharp but worse for the wear, said something about a headache and how she was wearing her nicest pants. She had a wound on her forehead sustained during a tennis match. I thought she was cute. And she was clearly struggling, but she showed up anyway and began reading really good writing about the hardship of the immigrant experience. As a Libra, I love vulnerability, so I perked up.

I took a photo that first night (which by then, was dawn) because I couldn’t believe the chemistry, the ease, or that it was even happening. Neither could she.

Is writing a healing or harming me?

Marie’s writing hit home. Her experience as an immigrant mirrored mine as a first-generation Arab-American raised by an immigrant. I wanted to know more. Hoped I would get the chance. So when I saw her walking around Pride in her pink Volunteer shirt the next day, I confidently said hi. She did not respond. In fact, she didn’t seem to register my existence.

I didn’t like that. Like I said, I was at the height of my health and confidence. But also, again, Libra.

I saw her again later. Rinse. Repeat. Cue my slutty little dress.

The thing is, I wasn’t actually planning to head to The Back Door. I’d been hangin at my ex’s house and she Ubered me back to my car instead of driving me. I was parked around the corner, so I followed the music and decided to pop in. The bouncer started to charge me cover, looked me up and down, then ushered me up the stairs. I walked in, took up a spot near the DJ booth to see if anyone I knew was on the dance floor, and saw Marie making out with some femme.

No.

I positioned myself for her attention and made bedroom eyes at her. This is where our story really begins.

Marie saw me looking at her, literally jumped, and looked over her shoulder to see if there was someone behind her. There was not. This did not impel her forward. I’d learn it’s because she’s shy when it comes to romance. Also, she seriously couldn’t believe I was trying to get her attention. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” she tells me.

My friend, Michael, came over to chat. I told him what I was up to and he began to wingman. I turned my back to Marie, but not all the way. Just enough so I could watch her make a couple false starts toward me, then stride my way.

“She’s turning around to leave,” Michael said. He danced off. “Good luck!” We invited him to our wedding.

Me and Marie in 2018, and The Back Door’s Big Gay Art Party. She still makes me laugh like this every day. Photo by Brick Daniel Kyle.

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What happened next feels like a fairytale. After making the first move with my eyes, I covered the bases. I let her know I was still married. To a man. “Dealbreaker?”

“No.”

I let her know I had kids. “Dealbreaker?”

“I love moms.” She had, in fact, married a mom before.

This is interesting because there is a point of contention in our relationship: I actually was not looking for something longterm. Or even beyond the night. I wanted to have fun. But I also didn’t want something messy. So I did the getting to know you dance, but I also felt another level happening. Our chemistry was insane. I’ve never felt any draw like it before. Plus, getting to know each other was fun. Another fun I’ve never felt before. And, no, I didn’t just have one same-sex ex before her even though I was a very fresh gay. I had just never fallen in love before and didn’t know how it could begin so suddenly, shift into stealth mode, then reassert itself and take you by storm.

We went on like that for while on the deck, on the dance floor, backstage. Because she worked at the bar and was, in fact, Sasha Velour’s backstage manager for Pride as well as the Stage Manager for Pride. It was less that she didn’t see me and more that she was in mission mode.

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A shoutout here to Cal, who babysat overnight.

She wasn’t scheduled to, but I lost track of time and didn’t realize it until the sun was coming up. By then, an irate bouncer had kicked us out of the bar’s back room and we’d headed back to Marie’s house. We spent hours talking and making out under the stars. She told me she “wasn’t ready” to show me her room. I wrote my contact info down for her, trying to be cute and do it old school style: name, address, phone number on a sheet of notebook paper. She took it as desperate (she’s younger than me by 6 years), but I think she still has the paper. Then I waited a very long three days for her to get back to me so we could go on our first date.

Naturally, it started with coffee at a local shop, had cats in the middle, and ended at The Back Door for a drag show.

I showed up looking like this. Marie swallowed hard. 🤣 Marie showed up in these light blue jeans she got on her last stay in Europe. I also swallowed hard.

Upcoming Write-Ins

Join Me Every Saturday and Write with the Light On!

Would you like to explore what’s gone dark without sitting in that darkness?

Join us every Saturday for a 90-minute silent write-in, 11:30-1:00PM EDT. Choose to write with the light on and uncover what that can mean.

Literary Liberation

Writing with the Light On | Drop-in Sessions

Dates: March 29 - June 28 (no session on April 12 and May 31…

3 months ago · 2 likes · Sherisa de Groot and Shawna Ayoub

The Survive Your Story Silent Write-In

Usually the last Sunday of every month, I host a 90 minute silent write-in on Zoom. The next SYS Silent Write-In is scheduled! You need to register to join, but you can drop in (or out!) at any point to write or work in community. I will offer a prompt. If you write to that prompt, you are welcome to send me your writing within a week of the write-in for private, written feedback. If not, no worries. This will be a judgement-free zone.

The details:

Sunday, June 29, 2025 01:00-2:30 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada)
Register in advance for this meeting. The June meeting is open to everyone for Pride!
After registering, you will receive a confirmation email containing information about joining the meeting.

Regularly Offered Courses

I teach the following classes through the Center for Creative Writing year-round:

Oct. 29-Dec. 12, 2024
Jan. 7-Feb. 20, 2025
Feb. 25-April 10, 2025
April 15-May 29, 2025
June 3-July 17, 2025
July 22-Sept. 4, 2025 *now enrolling*
Sept. 9-Oct. 23, 2025
Oct. 28-Dec. 11, 2025

Writing through Trauma to Truth, Parts 1&2

Writing about trauma is often an attempt to make sense and meaning; to unravel what can’t easily be felt or said; to stitch torn cloth together again with well-crafted words that make, from struggle, something good and beautiful and true – for yourself and for future readers. Read the full course description.

Writing the Wave, Parts 1-4

Writing the Wave is an organic approach to writing that will jump-start your creative process and free the writer inside you—even if you’re just starting or have been struggling for years. Working with both your creative and analytical mind through a series of imagination-boosting techniques, the course has helped thousands of aspiring writers get to the page and thrive there. Read the full course description.

Independent Study Options

I periodically accept independent students for Generative Writing and Private Writing Guidance.

Generative Writing

Generative writing sessions are designed to get you writing. Enjoy the benefits of weekly deadlines and regular, in-depth feedback from your teacher as you develop new or existing projects. These sessions follow the same format, pricing (includes a free consultation), and schedule as our regular six-week courses, but without formal assignments. Read the full course description.

Private Writing Guidance

Whether you want to polish or publish your writing, the Center offers expert, one-on-one guidance for the next stage of the process such as first reader, copy editor, manuscript midwife or content editor. Read the full course description.

Privately Offered Courses

Professional Development Workshops

Some professions work with others’ stories as a matter of course. Think of first responders, nurses, social workers, therapists, prison faculty and volunteers, and others. If you are part of an organization that handles sensitive stories, you know that sometimes these stories are hard to let go of. I teach a specialized program for letting go of those stories that stay with us, focusing on secondary trauma and the use of expressive writing as a tool for its release. This workshop is designed for groups of 10 or fewer, and can be in-person or online. Sessions run 2-3 hours and are curated to the needs of your group.

Rates start at $500 with a sliding scale for non-profits and smaller organizations. Larger groups and travel incur different costs. Please reach out to me for more information.

Shawna shows up for us, and gently and resourcefully affirms our truths.Shawna is an advocate in the writer's quest for healing, illumination and creative sharing.

-Ethel

Sliding Scale Options

I recognize that not everyone is able to access the classes I teach through various institutions. For that reason, in addition to these regularly scheduled courses, I take 2-3 private students per month for courses priced on a sliding scale of $75-125. These sessions typically last 4 weeks and are scheduled with me via email. Generally, I reserve these spaces for QT, BBIA or differently-abled individuals, and includes anyone on a fixed income. Course goals are curated to client need. Coursework is assigned and completed through email exchange. However, video conferencing is an option. Contact me directly: shawna.ayoub@gmail.com

Retreats, Workshops & Classes

I generally teach single-session workshops or weekend retreats on a quarterly schedule. Contact me for a course list and information on how I instruct expressive writing if your organization is interested in hosting my classes.

Upcoming Course Series through RCWMS

Through RCWMS, I will be teaching a 5 part series on Expressive Writing for Release and Recovery. All classes can be taken individually. They also work to build on one another. Many of these topics have been offered before, but content will be refreshed so repeat students will have a new experience. You will have an opportunity to purchase all five course for a reduced bundle rate of $325 or you can bundle 3 for $200. Courses can be registered for and taken individually. You are also welcome to donate to support making RCWMS courses accessible to the greater femme-identified QT and BBIA communities.

Writing the Body

It’s a well-researched fact that we store our emotional experiences in our physical bodies. On anniversaries of loss, for example, it is common to feel body pain, heaviness, or fatigue. In this workshop, we will practice feeling into our body stories safely in order to capture them in words. As a group, we will learn about how the body stores memory, and why, and take home practices for listening to the stories our bodies want to tell us. While this course is appropriate for writers at every level and of every genre.

Writers will take home a packet of writing examples as well as prompts, and can contact Shawna for written feedback within two weeks of this workshop.

Sunday, July 27, 2025
2-4PM EST via Zoom
Min 3, Max 12
Tiers: $75, $100. Scholarships available.
Contact info@rcwms.org for more information
Register

Becoming the Second Person

Do you have a painful and true story you find yourself reliving each time you try to tell it? What about a story that’s stuck inside you because it feels too raw to be writeable, too vulnerable to be readable? Is being able to tell that story without suffering the key to releasing yourself from the trauma of the narrative?

What if you found out there is a way to create safe distance while still telling that hard story? To minimize trauma and (re)gain control of your narrative by no longer being your story’s first person?

What if you could be your story’s second person?

Writers will practice using narrative distance as a tool to explore their stories in new ways. Writers will also take home a packet of writing examples as well as prompts, and can contact Shawna for written feedback within two weeks of this workshop.

Sunday, September 21, 2025
2-4PM EST via Zoom
Min 3, Max 12
Tiers: $75, $100. Scholarships available.
Contact info@rcwms.org for more information
Register

Remembering Those We Miss

Writing letters can be a heartfelt way to express our love and celebrate the relationships we've shared. Letters can help us preserve important memories and stories, confront unfinished business, and expose ourselves to things we may be avoiding. This is especially true when we are writing to those who are gone from our lives, whether they have passed on or passed on us.

In this workshop, we will come together to examine our grief through the epistolary form. In a safe and supportive space, we will write letters to those we have lost as an act of self-care.

Writers will take home a packet of writing examples as well as prompts, and can contact Shawna for written feedback within two weeks of this workshop.