When to Let Go of Control
Applying the three Cs to writing.
The hits just keep on coming.
It’s been a week. Actually, two since this writing. For MLK Day, I boycotted the inauguration and finally listened to Doechii’s full album. But I can’t pretend the changeover in government didn’t happen. Especially since an incredible number of the sweeping moves by the new administration directly affect me and my beloved ones. Now, my focus is on surviving the next four years, on keeping those I love alive as well, and doing my best for the world day by day. But it’s hard, because my focus necessarily has to drive inward. It’s still pandemic times. Just check out the numbers assuming you can still find them. I have to put on my own mask first, and with masks set to be banned, that’s damn inconvenient.
Actually, I’m feeling guilty about it. About how much care I need to give myself to make it through minute by minute. To fall back asleep when I awake with a start and my brain starts spinning on ICE raids or gender marker reversals or citizenship revocation or escalated loss of biologically female bodily autonomy. I think about being brown-presenting, of being married to a woman, and of having two white-presenting kids who, after their peers met me, started asking them if they carry bombs in their backpacks. Of having one brown-presenting kid who is a big, strong male. My kids are also queer. The deck is so stacked against us right now. My heart races. I often can’t get back to sleep.
I’m learning, though. Yesterday, I was chewing out a man I strongly dislike because of the way he treats my spouse. It was 5:30AM. I imagined this whole scenario in which my taking him down a few pegs was warranted. Then my cat got on me in bed. I was reminded that I was safe. My wife was safe. I took a breath, traced my thoughts back to their root. It was a new policy. And I realized, hey, I have no control over this. It’s also not happening to me right now.
While that didn’t get me back to sleep, it did slow my heart. I was able to emotionally reset. I stopped thinking about that unfortunate man. I pet my cat for awhile. And then I got up and went about my day.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, can you can’t cure it
That’s what I heard this morning, and those are the three Cs. I sat in a group and tapped that into the Notes app on my phone.
I didn’t cause it.
I can’t control it.
I can’t cure it.
To be honest, I wasn’t thinking about the government when I recorded those words. I was thinking about something much more personal I hope to be able to write to you about someday. It was when I got home and read
’s latest post on about where they are finding hope right now, it dawned on me that I’m feeling a lot of guilt about this administration. No, I didn’t vote Red. You couldn’t have paid me enough to betray everyone and everything I value. But maybe I should have spoken up more. Maybe I should have pushed harder. Maybe I should have explained to more straight and/or white people what it’s like to be Other.Except that’s not my job. And I know deep in my bones from many, many years of experience through marriage, teaching, friendship, experiencing racism firsthand, and parenting that you can’t argue with irrationality. Tradition, in my opinion, is most often rooted in the irrational. Who we vote is often rooted in tradition.
Anyway, this is all to say that I didn’t cause this. And neither did you (unless you cast your vote for Trump’s ticket). I can’t control what is happening in America. And I can’t cure the disease of racism and misogyny no matter how loudly, often or honestly I share my experiences with both.
What happened in between: an addendum
For that second week—the one between the original writing of this post and today’s review—I fell sick. First, I set my affairs in order. I could feel the sick coming. I’d been holding strong for the whole month. My wife was battling her own demon (a sinus infection). It was bound to happen. I know these things about myself: the stronger I am and the longer I am, the harder I fall.
At the first tickle in my throat, I frontloaded all my work deadlines, churned out my writing and prepped my house for me being out of commission. I stocked our groceries, planned a meal for my now recovering wife to cook that would last us at least two nights, took stock of our Ramen situation (it was good), and made sure the OTC meds were handy. It was an unofficial Part Two of this post, really. I controlled for the things I could predict. I let the others go. I trusted my wife to shoulder to the load just as I’d done for her the week prior. She showed up. I slowed down.
It’s Day Four of this cold (not Covid, thankfully), and I’m still dizzy on the couch. I have a very rough voice again. It’s moved out of my throat and into my ears. I seemed to spike a fever a couple of times but couldn’t find our thermometer to check. I’ve subsisted on leftovers and cough drops with my cats for company. And I realized something—I haven’t had a day off, truly off, in a very, very long time. I haven’t been able to afford it. And a darker thought: With this changeover in government, I probably won’t again. Really, none of us can. Even if I didn’t believe in the power of dreams as a means of spiritual/intuitive communication from our deeper selves, this rings very true, as do the meaningful steps we can take to change our circumstances.
However, even as we need to work going forward, we need to take care of ourselves in the process. Writing can be a form of self-care.
3 Ways to Let Go of Control in Writing
I teach a four-part course through the Center for Creative Writing called Writing the Wave that does a great job of walking writers through this process. If you’re looking to jump-start your creativity, I highly recommend the course. The exercises are amazing, and writers have a fantastic time surprising themselves with what they produce. However, I have some tricks the course doesn’t cover that are less about creativity and more about helping yourself reset or emotionally regulate.
For example, say you are looking at a lined sheet of paper and you see where and how you are supposed to put the words, how you are supposed to fill the space. This causes you anxiety. If you feel a block, consider (1) turning the paper so that you write on it in a different orientation. Break the rules. This removes control by removing the expected structure of the act of writing.
What about when you’re deep in the writing and you get triggered? This is the biggest self-report I get from students. It happens to me as well.
The key here is (2) reminding yourself that what you are writing is not real, not this moment. When it comes to this writing, you are safe right here, right now.
Finally, you can follow someone else’s lead.
does a great job of that in her Substack . By using arcs from Buffy episodes and setting them against arcs in her life, she’s able to tell her personal story while leaning on one that already exists. Now, Stacia is an incredibly artful and thoughtful writer, so you will look at her work and see control there. But (3) relying on something you are deeply familiar with such as song lyrics, a recipe, or your favorite cartoon, is a great way to grab a template and impose structure on mess or chaos. Let the control be external. It doesn’t have to be yours.Dropping this here in case Doechii is new to you:
She took the Grammy for Best Rap Album last night.
Writing Prompt: Writing with the Lights Off
Give yourself at least 20 minutes. Find a very dark space. Wait until night if you don’t have one during the day. Use a flashlight to get oriented at a space to write by hand. You may want to cover a full table in paper, or just have a stack ready. Set a timer. Turn the flashlight off and go. Let yourself write and see what happens. You may write over what you wrote. You may find your handwriting changes. You may find you write about secret things you won’t write about in the light. That’s all okay. Take what you can from the experience.
Check-in: Afterward, for 5 minutes, journal about how this writing made you feel. Did it spark anything in your mind or body? Are you grounded? Do you have any needs in this moment? Will you return to this writing in the future? Finally, to close, take careful note of what you have witnessed by completing this prompt and jot down anything that comes to mind that would like to be witnessed in future writing sessions.
As always, you are welcome to send your writing my way privately or share here in comments or as a Note. I’d be more than happy to see your work!
An Exciting Announcement
Last month, I launched paywalled posts! Newsletters on the first Monday of the month remain free to all. Mid-month, a second newsletter comes out. In addition, regular write-ins and additional opportunities such as Zoom classes will be available for paid subscribers. If you’d like to join my growing paid community, you can do so now! You can also gift a subscription.
Regularly Offered Courses
I teach the following classes through the Center for Creative Writing year-round:
Oct. 29-Dec. 12, 2024
Jan. 7-Feb. 20, 2025
Feb. 25-April 10 *now enrolling*
April 15-May 29
June 3-July 17
July 22-Sept. 4
Sept. 9-Oct. 23
Oct. 28-Dec. 11
Writing through Trauma to Truth, Parts 1&2
Writing about trauma is often an attempt to make sense and meaning; to unravel what can’t easily be felt or said; to stitch torn cloth together again with well-crafted words that make, from struggle, something good and beautiful and true – for yourself and for future readers. Read the full course description.
Writing the Wave, Parts 1-4
Writing the Wave is an organic approach to writing that will jump-start your creative process and free the writer inside you—even if you’re just starting or have been struggling for years. Working with both your creative and analytical mind through a series of imagination-boosting techniques, the course has helped thousands of aspiring writers get to the page and thrive there. Read the full course description.
Writing Your Web Presence
You know the hows and whys of starting a blog. Now you need to generate some quality content. On a blog, you can write about anything you want as long as you have a strong “voice.” You can blog on one topic or many, but a strong voice allows you to wander with your creativity while staying in “niche.” Read the full course description.
Independent Study Options
I periodically accept independent students for Generative Writing and Private Writing Guidance.
Generative Writing
Generative writing sessions are designed to get you writing. Enjoy the benefits of weekly deadlines and regular, in-depth feedback from your teacher as you develop new or existing projects. These sessions follow the same format, pricing (includes a free consultation), and schedule as our regular six-week courses, but without formal assignments. Read the full course description.
Private Writing Guidance
Whether you want to polish or publish your writing, the Center offers expert, one-on-one guidance for the next stage of the process such as first reader, copy editor, manuscript midwife or content editor. Read the full course description.
Privately Offered Courses
Professional Development Workshops
Some professions work with others’ stories as a matter of course. Think of first responders, nurses, social workers, therapists, prison faculty and volunteers, and others. If you are part of an organization that handles sensitive stories, you know that sometimes these stories are hard to let go of. I teach a specialized program for letting go of those stories that stay with us, focusing on secondary trauma and the use of expressive writing as a tool for its release. This workshop is designed for groups of 10 or fewer, and can be in-person or online. Sessions run 2-3 hours and are curated to the needs of your group.
Rates start at $500 with a sliding scale for non-profits and smaller organizations. Larger groups and travel incur different costs. Please reach out to me for more information.
“Shawna shows up for us, and gently and resourcefully affirms our truths.Shawna is an advocate in the writer's quest for healing, illumination and creative sharing.”
~Ethel
Sliding Scale Options
I recognize that not everyone is able to access the classes I teach through various institutions. For that reason, in addition to these regularly scheduled courses, I take 2-3 private students per month for courses priced on a sliding scale of $75-125. These sessions typically last 4 weeks and are scheduled with me via email. Generally, I reserve these spaces for QT, BBIA or differently-abled individuals, and includes anyone on a fixed income. Course goals are curated to client need. Coursework is assigned and completed through email exchange. However, video conferencing is an option. Contact me directly: shawna.ayoub@gmail.com
Retreats, Workshops & Classes
I generally teach single-session workshops or weekend retreats on a quarterly schedule. Contact me for a course list and information on how I instruct expressive writing if your organization is interested in hosting my classes.
Upcoming Course Series through RCWMS
Through RCWMS, I will be teaching a 5 part series on Expressive Writing for Release and Recovery. All classes can be taken individually. They also work to build on one another. Many of these topics have been offered before, but content will be refreshed so repeat students will have a new experience. You will have an opportunity to purchase all five course for a reduced bundle rate.
Surviving Your Story
Difficult experiences can become lodged in our bodies in ways that impact us daily, and writing is a way to name, release and even recover from those experiences. Expressive writing allows us to make sense and meaning; to recraft the struggle and better reflect our truth. In other words, it supports you in surviving your story.
This course is structured in two parts. In the first, we come together as a group for a two-hour Zoom session to discuss the what and how of safe expressive writing practices followed by exercises and a take-home writing assignment. For the second part, you will connect directly with your instructor, if you choose, to share your writing and schedule a one-on-one, confidential response and conversation about your writing goals.
This workshop is for all LGBTQIA+, BBIA, and marginalized folks.
Zoom, March 23, 2-4PM EST
$75-$100. Scholarships available.
Min 3, Max 12 participants
Contact info@rcwms.org for more information
Remaking a Memory
Traumatic memories are formed differently than normal memories, and can be more intense and longer lasting. In addition, we can inform our own traumatic memories by rehearsing them. This looks like retelling the event to others, to ourselves, or writing it down. When we do this, we are at risk of introducing inaccuracies and potentially doing ourselves greater harm. However, when we write our traumatic memories, we are also presented with a powerful opportunity: to reframe them.
Reframing our difficult memories allows us to remake them in a way that serves us. In this two-hour Zoom session, we will learn how memories can be intentionally offered through multiple reframing techniques including altered point of view and writing the story as it otherwise might have happened.
Writers will take home a packet of writing examples as well as prompts, and can contact Shawna for written feedback within two weeks of this workshop.
Date TBD
2-4PM EST via Zoom
Min 3, Max 12
Tiers: $75, $100. Scholarships available.
Contact info@rcwms.org for more information
Writing the Body
It’s a well-researched fact that we store our emotional experiences in our physical bodies. On anniversaries of loss, for example, it is common to feel body pain, heaviness, or fatigue. In this workshop, we will practice feeling into our body stories safely in order to capture them in words. As a group, we will learn about how the body stores memory, and why, and take home practices for listening to the stories our bodies want to tell us. While this course is appropriate for writers at every level and of every genre.
Writers will take home a packet of writing examples as well as prompts, and can contact Shawna for written feedback within two weeks of this workshop.
Date TBD
2-4PM EST via Zoom
Min 3, Max 12
Tiers: $75, $100. Scholarships available.
Contact info@rcwms.org for more information
Becoming the Second Person
Do you have a painful and true story you find yourself reliving each time you try to tell it? What about a story that’s stuck inside you because it feels too raw to be writeable, too vulnerable to be readable? Is being able to tell that story without suffering the key to releasing yourself from the trauma of the narrative?
What if you found out there is a way to create safe distance while still telling that hard story? To minimize trauma and (re)gain control of your narrative by no longer being your story’s first person?
What if you could be your story’s second person?
Writers will practice using narrative distance as a tool to explore their stories in new ways. Writers will also take home a packet of writing examples as well as prompts, and can contact Shawna for written feedback within two weeks of this workshop.
Date TBD
2-4PM EST via Zoom
Min 3, Max 12
Tiers: $75, $100. Scholarships available.
Contact info@rcwms.org for more information
Remembering Those We Miss
Writing letters can be a heartfelt way to express our love and celebrate the relationships we've shared. Letters can help us preserve important memories and stories, confront unfinished business, and expose ourselves to things we may be avoiding. This is especially true when we are writing to those who are gone from our lives, whether they have passed on or passed on us.
In this workshop, we will come together to examine our grief through the epistolary form. In a safe and supportive space, we will write letters to those we have lost as an act of self-care.
Writers will take home a packet of writing examples as well as prompts, and can contact Shawna for written feedback within two weeks of this workshop.
Date TBD
2-4PM EST via Zoom
Min 3, Max 12
Tiers: $75, $100. Scholarships available.
Contact info@rcwms.org for more information
Read Me On The Center Blog--And send me your writing!
I write a series called "Beyond a Book Review” on the Center for Creative Writing blog. You can read my latest post here about the very queer The Atlas Trilogy by writer Olivie Blake. Sometimes you start a book really knowing nothing about it, expecting nothing, just hoping it’ll be a reprieve. Maybe it’ll give you back the hope you’re struggling to find in the world you’re living in. Maybe it will be the opposite of the horror you imagined but were afraid to write when you were younger, because what if writing it made it come true? And here it was, true anyway? This trilogy does all of that.
Interested in discovering more books and prompts inspired by QT and BBIA writers? Find the full series of reviews here.
The way you wear your heart on your sleeve, stand with honesty and carry your personal load of pain is beautiful Shawna! Thank you for sharing your truth, fears and love. Thank you for trying. Thank you for resting. Thank you for being a wonderful human. I'm so sorry you and your family are targeted by the ignorance of others. I too, am searching for novel ways to talk to folks but feel your words strongly "you can't argue with irrationality". Thanks for providing a beautiful, safe space to explore our collective, seemingly impossible, situation.
Good stuff! Scary times. Keep showing up.